01/25/2021 FLIPS

my mind is not the same as i once saw it. i dont know if its ever been like that. i could have caused real brain rot with the way i treat myself.

i just like the car.

this is a reoccuring entity in what i draw. the easy to explain answer is that its simple to draw and cute. i think it could be a jungian reaason. if i become socially isolated i might end up in a pygmalion situation. i know im not the only artist to do this, colloquial term as "OC."

but it freaks me out when I see real life people use these characters to manifest fantasies, sick concepts like inflation or hyper. everyone knows but its been long enough for real, legal, exhibition "art" to be made of it.



jon rafman's still life(beta male) 2013

i did not plan talking about this video, but myself having an "OC" reminds me of the slippery slope that depiction of God's creatures or, even worse, bastardizations of his creatures, lead to. jon rafman said he became intrested in the new class of people online, hikomori, being a term i hesitate to use. jon scrolled through gurochan looking at vile images, but these images were created by human beings and distributed by them as well. using oneohtrixpointnever's music, jon created a decline. the yellow man at 00:05 points at you and there exists a reflection with the filthy keyboards and monitor set ups. then the fursuited individual vacuuming introduces us to furries. i have seen people i know in reality defend furries, but i know they know the pnuematic tube that follows this video. i do not like being greeted by rabbit butthole, but at 02:45, it starts the decent into jon's finding on gurochan. if one needs to go on gurochan, they have succeeded in escaping their own humanity. the reality offered did not quench the thirst. the track becomes euphoric, but chilling. i want to imagine this video is meant to be from a first person perspective. from seemingly innocent fursuits to eroge, then back to the man in childrens underwear aiming pistols at his temples.

i have watched people fall down this rabbithole, what might be more scary is how they are open about it and told me. they have become Swampy T. Fox at the end of the video, sinking into the soil. We are still young, but how does one grow up with these in the back of their mind. im no saint myself, but its still shocking to me

"you won't be distracted either by the reflection of yourself or by the last glimpse of the things now being lost forever, as you look into the screen it is possible to believe you are gazing into eternity."

it is possible for me to stare into the screen and lose myself. i can look at azumanga daioh all day and forget about problems in general. no self loathing or trials, just anime girls. furthur down the road, the things being lost forever can be your humanity, your friends, a real hobby. and it all starts with some gateway drug: in extreme cases it could be roblox or tiktok with 1 message that will lead to a rabbithole. its not even about pedophiles on the internet anymore, but how instant gratification melts the frontal lobe, how the mind does not get "full" as the stomach does. hoping there may be some cure. for now, this is a hobby my computer. i plan on going forward within reality. i have the privledge of having untouched nature around me. God bless.

Certain Islamic scholars describe a "modern jahiliayah" with todays society, jahiliaiyah being the time before Islam, often directly translated to "age of ignorance." this idea is not unique, christians, orthodox jews, think of a spirtually pure time. I want to argue that those who fall into modern hedonism know of their shame and guilt and are not innocently ignorant. But when I talk to some people, some are so innocent. its strange to meet people devoid of a cultural grounding. with globalism, a new cultural leviathan is being created. ive typed too much, but im in on this ride too. i want to see how well my thinking has aged 20 years into the future.

01/15/2021 AMBLE

this was a strange experiment in art where i used text along with the image. lately i have been making art as a way of manifesting thoughts or concepts left in my head.

this was drawn and written about my dreams

physically life has been changing: i have been moving on academically, i have been traveling on my own,i have been working. mentally i feel i am in the same place i was in highschool. maybe it was due to the lack of a proper farewell such as a graduation ceremony or a prom. I still remember my classes and the faces that surrounded me.

there exists people who i have not spoken to in years and i know i will not be able to reconnect with, yet i daydream of what was or could be. i have felt the seasons change, watch the stars and moon shift, yet mentally i will remain in march 2020

anyways i drew this last night. i dont want to say its poetry because thats gay. i have not seen these peers in well over a year now, yet they were working as hospital receptionists within my dream. the rightward has left an unjustified impression on me and reappears in dreams like a specter. i use ghost as a simile because she might as well be dead.

frued is stupid and jung is new to me: but the concept of the animus and anima piqued me in my own quest of comprehension of self. animus is the masculine section of a woman and vice versa. jung states that it is this animus and anima of each individual where they find the ideal partner.

playing psychologist with myself led me to believe this girl i have been dreaming of has become my anima. damn it, i dont want this. she was not even a nice person.

guys i watched lain i am lain guys i am shinji i am guts i am spike i am therefore

you know what jung said anima and animus, and then anime became the epitome of escapism not just in cruel industrial japan but it has been exported online to the neglected, forgotten, or inempt. it gave ones to project unto.

anyways. lain showed the horror of the split of the wired and reality in the lain split scene, but even more horror at the synthesis. contemporarly we have been living at that synthesis. but even predating the connection revolution i still feel at conflict with the multitudes of me. it is not even code switching at this point. then it is not just the versions i put on, then there exists the versions of me inside other peoples heads: conclusions they have applied. how can i now truly be me when i do not know where "me" stands

i am going to be honest: i forgot

this was made the same night about 6 months ago when i made "talking to one is to the other" image so i am pretty sure this was along the same motif of split me?

i might as well have multiple tulpas for as many versions i make of myself i manifest others. like the reoccuring hospital receptionist, within my mind i made a perception of a new she. therefore when i stated "combination of the seperation" i meant that perceptions i have must somehow unite to the real world. but doing that would undo the only way i can make social progress: adaptation. whatever, she was normal then inverted and is now a flower that what i drew then. the metadata says i made it at 2:08 am.

this is gay

this was done well over a year ago. i was leaned on.

roses and especially early 2000s clipart of glittery roses have always been a delight to me. the rose's petal is durable and the smell is sweet. the transparent png remind me of simplier webpages made by html. i feel free designing in this format. i can just pour out letters and letters. no molds or templates, just me.

this is really gay i should go back to drawing COOL stuff like GUNS and DRAPEY HOODIES